


I feel dirty.

by MagicalClaire



Category: Bakuten Shoot Beyblade
Genre: I imagined them as in their mid twenties, Lust, M/M, OCD, Slow Burn, Swearing, Therapy, adult blitzkrieg boys, based on the yaoi Ten Count, but flashback to abbey days, cursing, lots of flashbacks, more abbey trauma fun, saved the kinky til last, so many flashbacks and timejumps sorry, ten count au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-22
Updated: 2018-11-28
Packaged: 2019-08-27 20:15:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16709293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicalClaire/pseuds/MagicalClaire
Summary: Bryan hates feeling dirty, luckily Tala is there to help his lover all he can.This is heavily based on the yaoi Ten Count.Disclaimer: I am NOT a therapist, I don't know much about ocd or fear of germs, I delibrately didn't give him a diagnosis, I'm just basing him on the Ten Count character, please do not take this fic too seriously. Also never take me too seriously ; )





	1. Chapter 1

The young Valkov stood glaring at the guards as they dragged his new friend wet, naked and screaming down to the cells, one guard kept his hand on his shoulder as he watched, unable to do or say anything.

He shoved the hand off his shoulder and turning on his heel walked away.

\---

“Why do you feel so dirty Mr Kuznetsov?”

Bryan kept his head down, staring at his gloved hands saying nothing.

All he could think was all of the surfaces they had touched, he needed to urinate but public restrooms were one of his greatest triggers. He couldn’t run to the woods and pee there the thought of anyone seeing him and the bacteria all around him was too much to handle.

“I see, you don’t feel like talking today.”

The man’s eyes slowly left his gloves to look at the carpet. 

“I’m sorry..”

“There’s no need to apologise, we’ll skip this week’s session, but Mr Kuznetsov if I may…”

Bryan finally made eye contact now relieved about leaving early.

“... I’d like to set you some homework for next week.”

\---

“No Tala please don’t come in, I’ll be out soon give me 15 minutes.”

Tala sighed and put down the phone, he sat down on the bench outside Bryans apartment building and watched the birds swooping down into the trees. 

Bryan appeared less than 20 minutes later, nervously adjusting his face mask. He was smiling at his friend under it.

His friend stood up, taking his earphones out and opening his mouth at the sight of the young man. He shut his mouth quickly and greeted him, careful to keep his distance.

He knew Bryan was hiding his disposable latex gloves under his thick fleecy winter gloves, nothing unusual to be seen wearing in Russia this time of year. He thought he looked delicious in his impeccably clean black coat. 

Bryan had finally been able to leave his apartment after months of being too unwell to leave his controlled and practically sterile environment, his hands dry and chapped from all the cleaning. His body dry from scrubbing too long in the shower. Even with his mask on Tala could see his warm smile, his cheeks stretching the masks fabric, he was proud of his progress and deserved it.

“I was thinking we should walk around the lake this week.” Tala said after a while.

“Ah good idea”

\----

Tala walked up to the shaking kid on the mattress he extended his hand and cleared his throat.

Bryan wiped the tears from his cheeks and binked at what Tala was holding. A box of plastic gloves.

“I stole them from the scientists supply room. You gotta hide them or they’ll confiscate them.”

Tala set the box down on the bed careful to not touch the box with his bare fingers, he scrunched up the tissue and shoved it into his pocket.

Bryan blinked at the box, he was exhausted from crying and insomnia.

“Look - they haven’t even been opened and were from the middle of the pile. I used a tissue the whole time - its clean. I know I’m stressing you out so I’ll leave you now.”

The Lavender haired boy watched Tala Valkov walk away with tired eyes.

“T-thank you.” he whispered to the empty room.

\---

“Did you do what I asked of you last week Mr Kuznetsov?”

Bryan looked up. “Ah yes!”  
He dug into his pocket opening the small notepad and set it down on the desk on top of a tissue.

His therapist tilted his head to read it, making sure to not touch.

“Great, well done, we can work with this. Good job Mr Kutnetsov.” He smiled.

Bryan looked up hesitantly. “I managed the first one.”

“Already? That’s incredible, and how did you feel afterwards?”

“All I could think about was how badly I need to wash, but my friend distracted me and it took my mind off…”

“And what did he distract you with?”

Bryan blushed looking away again. “We just talked..”

His therapist smiled. “Next time resist the urge to clean for a little longer, then we can work on number two.”

\---

Bryan jumped as he opened the door to his apartment, Tala was stood leaning against the wall and looked up.

“Tala! You got here quick!”

“I was in the neighbourhood” He shrugged. “So you really want me to come inside?”

The man hesitated a second before nodding. “Please.”

Tala stood assessing his expression, he was nervous but seemed serious enough. 

He stepped closer, closer than he had dared in the last year, he saw the guy flinch subtly but he didn’t move, he allowed it.

“I won’t touch a thing Bry I promise. I’d never hurt you like that.”

Bryans heart thudded in his chest, he had never let anyone else in his apartment before, but he thought back to when they shared a room in the Abbey, he was ready. 

\---

“Your friend helped you again, he sounds like a good person.”  
“He is.” Bryan said after a moments silence. 

“How do you feel about holding his hand without your gloves.”

“...very sick”

“If you’re not ready you can try something easier…”

“No. I’m ready.”

\---

Tala slipped the disposable gloves on and adjusted his face mask, and stood waiting for Bryan to reply.

“If I DID….say….that I love you too would you…. want to make me dirty?” 

Tala held his chin with a gloved hand, feeling the man’s body shake but not push him away.

“If you let me I’d make you feel dirtier than you could ever imagine.” 

Bryan blushed bright red and held onto Tala's sleeved elbows, he felt weak at the knees again, tears ran down his cheeks. “Don’t tease me it's fucking cruel..”

Tala slid his hand through his hair, wishing the gloves were thinner but relishing the eye roll he received, his other hand steadied him by his waist. The close distance was driving them both mad.

“Tala…”

“Hm?”

“I’ll think about it...”

\---

Tala looked both ways for guards and crouched down squinting into the darkness. 

“Bryan…. Psst Bryan… are you still here?”

“Don’t look at me I’m disgusting…” a quiet voice replied eventually  
from deep in the barred cell.

Tala turned his back to him. “Alright I’m not looking, but why wouldn’t you leave the shower”

He got no reply. “Bryan you were in there for three hours that’s why they brought you here.”

“I’m unclean…”

“No you’re not Bry”

“I’m disgusting..”  
He started sobbing again.

\---

“And what happened after you collapsed?”

“T-Tala was there, he carried me home.” Bryan looked out the window.

“I see, and I hope you don’t mind me asking: is he the friend you keep mentioning?”

“...Yes. He only touched my coat, and my door and my bedside table by accident. I had to clean them.”

“I’m sorry to hear that Mr Kuznetsov, let’s have another break this week but after that we can try again from the first item and work our way-”

“-But I’ve already achieved the first goal? It's taken me two months to get half way through the list!”

“Mr Ku- Bryan. we’ve discussed this, you mustn’t be hard on yourself for needing time off, you can’t rush the healing process.”

Bryan fought back tears. He never liked to cry in front of his therapist because he knew if he started he would never stop.

“Why can’t I just carry on from where I got up to?” 

“Because it will help with your confidence to try the easier tasks first…. Do you have the list on you?”

Bryan tapped his coat pocket before remembering he wasn’t wearing the black coat anymore. He was wearing his old comfort jacket with the fur hood.

His eyes went wide. 

“No...Tala has taken it to the cleaners, I told him not to, I’d rather clean it myself but he insisted as an apology for taking me on the train when I wasn’t ready…” 

“It...must still be in the pocket.”

\----

“Here’s your coat Mr Valkov” The man at the cleaners said. 

Tala was happy to see it covered in plastic, he had brought his own bag too. “Ah thank you sir.”

The man turned back around. “Oh and here's the contents of the pockets.” He slid a small trinket drawer onto the counter.

Tala instinctively reached out to touch it after thanking him, but stopped himself in time. He grabbed his packet of tissues and picked up the card and piece of paper with it, luckily the man had walked off so he didn’t have to justify his odd actions.

‘What’s this?’ he thought, his curiosity got the better of him and he carefully unfolded the paper.

It was a numbered list, he was confused by the words his lover had written on it until suddenly it made sense.  
‘This must be a list of his fears’

Bryan had ticked a few lines including: “Shake hands without my gloves on”

Tala remembered the night he removed his gloves and held his hand at the bus stop before he left. He remembered that night well because the entire bus journey home his heart was pounding.

“Drink from another person’s mug”

He did find it shocking when Bryan drank from his coke bottle, claiming to be too thirsty to care but looking anxious the rest of the day and it didn’t escape his notice when he kept touching his lips with his gloves.

“Let another person inside my apartment”

Tala had been inside four times already.

“Let another person hug me.”

Tala saw three checks two small and a bigger more enthusiastic one and smiled. 

A few more were checked but his eyes scanned lower curious to see what else he had planned.

“9: use a public toilet.  
10: let someone kiss my cheek.  
11: Share a meal with someone.”

The number 12 had been written but there were no words next to it. The young Valkov couldn’t help but feel when he read the word ‘someone’ that his lover was intending it to be him.

\---

Bryan stood outside Tala, Spencer and Ians apartment door. He looked around anxiously, the stairway was disgusting he had almost wanted to turn back and run home again, taking the bus had been hard enough as it was.

Tala answered the door panting, Bryan couldn’t help but stare: he was wearing nothing but a towel and holding his phone.

“Bryan! Are you alright? Did something happen??”

Bryan respectfully looked away. “Ah, no…I’m fine, but uh… there was something in my coat that is very important to me…”

Tala relaxed and sighed. “Don’t worry I got it wrapped in a tissue in the bag I put your cleaned coat in, I’ll go get it now.”

Bryan squeezed his fists nervously, he wanted to go inside his apartment but the journey there had made him sick enough for one day. He distracted himself by thinking of how proud his therapist would be of him.

Tala returned with a shirt and boxers on and held out the bag with his cleaned coat inside. Then returned with a tissue in his hand.

“You read it didn’t you Tala.” 

“I did” He smiled. “And it all makes perfect sense now”

“I’m so embarrassed... it was my therapists idea” he blushed. “Anyway thanks again, I’ve got to go now.”

“Hey Bryan.” Tala called after him.  
“Tell me honestly when you wrote ‘somebody’, did you want that to be me?”

Bryan didn’t turn around when he replied: “Maybe.”

Valkov watched him walk away and grinned.


	2. Chapter 2

“How are you feeling today Bryan?” The therapist asked.

Bryan sat and removed his gloves smiling up at him, his face unmasked.  
“Much better”

It had been a year since Tala accidently found his list, He still hadn’t completed it all but when he realised neither his boyfriend nor his therapist were bothered by this, he had managed to calm down, life was a lot better now, HE was a lot better now and he had a boyfriend.

He had even been able to go out drinking with Ian and Spencer, and another time the four of them had gone to the cinema, he was particularly proud of that and was excited to tell his therapist.

After letting go of his urge to tick off the whole list, he spent time practising the existing items, more hugs, from different people, shake more hands (now he had touched all of his teammates bare hands at least once), he let Tala touch his bare chest with no gloves once, not that he was willing to admit that one to his therapist. He simply made variations on each item. 

Not to say all his problems had gone, he still refused to go inside public toilets, eating and drinking out was difficult, but Tala suggested he bring his own cup and ask to fill it himself, once he explained the situation most people were accommodating and he now had a handful of favourite cafes and bars that he could almost relax in.

“Are you ready to try ticking off a new item on your list?” 

“Yeah, I think I am.”

\---

Bryan lay shaking on the sofa, he was lying down with Tala straddling his lap.

“Tala…” he moaned happily.

He was unbuttoning his shirt with gloved hands and rubbing his nipples affectionately.

“Are you ready?” he asked.

Bryan tried to control his shaking but he couldn’t, his body was aching for them to try more adventurous sexual acts, he fantasized about them often. Lately thinking of sex wasn’t entirely disgusting, not when he thought of how accommodating and attentive Valkov was to his needs. 

However it was one thing to fantasize but another to act them out.

Tala had been more than patient with him, listening to details the man was willing to share about his condition and treatment, but he was only human and his urges to do more, to touch more than Bryan could handle that day would often end in tears and taking buses home at 2am. 

“Uh, can we do it in baby steps Tala..”

“How do you mean?” He smiled down at him and avoided the insistant nagging feeling from his boner. 

“Kiss me lower down and work your way up to my lips…”

Tala stroked his soft arms feeling them shake, although his lover was trying hard to hide it.

“Lower eh?” he winked.

“NOT LIKE THAT YOU PERV!”

Tala grinned and laughed, stroking his arms, hoping his joking would soothe and distract, he really didn’t want to be kicked out tonight, it was fucking freezing outside.

“Alright, alright, I’ll kiss your tummy how’s that?”

Bryan hummed his approval. 

“What kind of grown ass man calls it a tummy?” he stopped laughing when he felt his warm lips touch his stomach. Don’t think about the germs don’t think about the germs...  
“Ah!” 

Tala hummed and inhaled his scent, that was one of the positives of Bryan’s condition: he always smelled good. He rubbed his erection against his thigh, chasing friction. 

It was a blessing that Bryan was allowing even this much after a year of building his trust. He was allowed to sleep in his apartment, he could touch him as long as he had gloves on, he had allowed him to see him completely naked out the shower a few times too.   
He loved him so much, he still saw the young boy he saved from the streets of Moscow, scared and needy, and looked at him like nothing less than a personal God.

“Aaah!” Bryan moaned as Tala breathed on his chest, planting gentle kisses, working his way up his chest.

Neither of them quite sure if the increasing heartbeat was from nerves or arousal. 

Tala looked up at him cautiously, the last time he had been kicked out was because he had wrapped his gloved hand around the man’s erection and pumped it til he had cum all over his face, the sight of Tala licking cum off his lips had driven Bryan mad and before he knew it he was the other side of the door begging for his coat back.

It was, he thought, almost worth it for the taste of his hot seed on his lips.  
Bryan was wrong, he wasn’t disgusting: Tala was.

His lips hovered at the base of his neck hesitantly. “Are you sure?” 

“I won’t be if you keep asking.”

“I just don’t wanna be kicked out again”

 

Bryan pushed his head sideways into the pillow. “Just do it”

Tala sucked in a breath and lowered down to Bryans cheek, it was now or never he guessed.  
He planted a delicate kiss on his cheek and pulled his head back immediately.

Bryan lay huffing, his eyes closed. He blinked them open and looked at Tala, saying nothing for a while.

“W-was that it?” 

Tala burst out laughing, the two of them blushing hard.

\---

“We did it.” Bryan admitted.

“You and Tala?”

“Yeah we finally kissed” He beamed.

“Bryan that’s incredible! How did it feel?” His therapist replied.

Bryan looked away embarrassed. “Uh well he just kissed my cheek...”

“Bryan a year ago you wouldn’t have let anyone touch you with their fingers let alone their lips”

He found it almost annoying how everyone was reminding him how well he was doing. But he smiled gratefully.

“Will you let him do it again?”

“I think so”

\---

Tala lay in his own bed smiling at his phone.   
He was reading updates from Bryans therapy sessions, he didn’t tell him everything but he was becoming more and more open with him. He squeezed the side buttons to take a screenshot, adding to his collection of messages he read to remind him he was good for his boyfriends mental health instead of a liability.

He had been kicked out so many times the last few months it was becoming a running joke in his apartment, Ian had started packing him sandwiches for the bus home, Spencer made sure he had his spare key, he swore but accepted them everytime. 

Valkov was happy with his slow relationship, but he was becoming less and less able to control himself when Bryan exposed himself to him, the more he let him in the more he wanted to ravage his body, every happy smile he caught in cafe made him want to corrupt him, to see how much more dirty he could make him. 

Bryan had even allowed him to watch him shower, that was too much for him, he left unprompted that night, god knows what he would have done if he hadn’t run home to masturbate.

Tala caught himself thinking these things and frowned, even now he felt a throbbing erection forming. He guessed his boyfriend wasn’t the only one with issues. 

His phone buzzed with a text: “I’m at the cafe near your place. Xx” 

Valkov sighed, hating himself but knowing it was for the best replied:   
“Sorry I’m busy, got coursework. See you next week babe xxx” 

\----

“You haven’t felt like talking for the last two sessions now Bryan, and I can’t help but notice you’re wearing your gloves again..”

Bryan said nothing, avoiding his therapists gaze by staring out the window, fiddling with his vinyl gloves self consciously.

“I don’t mean to pry but did anything happen between you and Tala.”

“I don’t want to talk about it…. May I leave now?”

“....Sure Mr Kuznetsov, you’re free to leave anytime you need.”

\---

Ian was walking home from university when he decided to stroll past the cafe in case Bryan was there again.

And there he was, sat in the same seat, his plastic reusable mug placed on a napkin and his notepad laid out next to it.

Ian sighed and pushed open the door, Bryan looked up instantly and sighed a little when he saw he was the wrong teammate.

“Bryan! How you doing?”

The man smiled back at him, but his eyes looked as chilly as Wolborg.

He pulled himself up onto the seat opposite his friend. “I’m sorry Talas being a dickhead Bry.”

“Why doesn’t he want to see me anymore?”

“I don’t know he won’t tell us anything, I swear if I knew I’d tell you, Spencer keeps yelling at him to visit you it’s not like we’re not trying…”

“It’s not your fault, I just wish he’d be honest.”

“Give him time, you know what he’s like, he can be worse than Kai for being stubborn and secretive.”

 

The grey haired man nodded.  
“And Bry,” 

He looked up again.

“Don’t waste hours waiting here for him, if you do : come here come with me and Spencer alright?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ooooh child, things are gonna get easier, oooh child things will get brighter

“Why won’t you talk to him you asshole?”

“I don’t have to tell you shit” Tala mumbled into his pillow.

Ian kicked his foot again from the other end of the bed.   
“You’re making him sick again. I caught him waiting in the cafe for you again.”

“But you said you told him not to?” 

“Yeah but he's as dumb as you are Tala, so go talk to him already you piece of shit.”

“Hnnngh…” 

Ian glared at the lump draped in duvet on the bed. “Talk to him or I’ll find him a new fucking boyfriend you twat.”

Tala lifted himself up by his arms and turned his head to look back at Ian. “Go on then. He’s better off without me anyway...”

“The fuck are you on about?”

“I said he’s better off without me. Now piss off.”

“You’re a selfish ass Tala. You know how unwell you’re making him.”

Ian slammed his bedroom door as he stormed out.

\---

Bryan woke up to the sound of his alarm radio turning on, a man informing the listeners about the traffic news in the city this morning.   
He sat up in bed rubbing his head from the alcohol he drank last night alone in his apartment.

Today was his therapy appointment, he had been dreading it since he hadn’t turned up for the last two weeks. The guy looked out the window at the birds flying across the trees outside the apartment building and sighed. He picked up his phone hoping to find a reply from Tala but he had no such luck. Bryan sighed again.

“I just can’t…” He unplugged his alarm and wrapped himself up in his duvet to go back to sleep.  
\----

Bryan jolted awake after hearing loud knocks at his door, his phone was buzzing on the side too.

“Oh crap..” he stumbled out of his bed almost tripping on his covers in the process.

He stopped in his tracks to access what time it was, it seemed to be getting dark out his window, it wasn’t the first time in the last two weeks that he had slept through the day, but it still depressed him.

The guy stood staring at the door at the knocking, he felt sick at the idea of having to wipe the door down again, and he wasn’t going to let them in here, it had taken him months to allow Tala inside...unless it was Tala?  
He looked at the phone buzzing on his bedside table.   
“Incoming call from Spencer.”

He stared nervously at the door while answering the phone. “Uh hey…”

“Bryan!! Its Ian! I’m sorry for coming to your door but you wouldn’t answer your phone all day.”

“Why are you calling on Spencer’s phone for?”

“Oh, mine ran out of battery, he’s here too!”

“Where’s Tala?”

“......Bryan will you come meet us downstairs? We’ll give you a few minutes.”

“....okay.” He put the phone down and went to the bathroom to shower.

After he had showered and dressed, he put on his mask and gloves and found his two friends sat on the bench they normally waited on, the same bench Tala would wait for him on.  
He stood stiffly, hoping it was worth the effort of getting ready for.

“Bryan!” Spencer said, they both stood up to greet him, but kept a cautious distance.  
“How you feeling Bry?” Ian asked.

“I… I don’t know how to answer that.” he looked away rubbing his elbows.

“I wish I could hug you right now, if I could I would.” Spencer admitted, Ian and Bryan shifted uncomfortably and they were all quiet for a while.

“I know you would…” Bryan said at last to break the awkward silence.

“Not that I’d…”

“No I know.” Bryan said. “Anyway what did you guys come all this way for…”

“We came to see our friend.” Ian smiled warmly.

“Yeah, you don’t have to come for a drink if you’re too unwell, we’re happy to just sit here and chat.”

“But it's fucking freezing tonight...” Bryan said looking at the moon, exposed in the night sky with little cloud protection.

“We don’t mind.” Spencer replied. They all knew Bryan wasn’t comfortable letting anyone inside his apartment who wasn’t himself or the Valkov.

Bryan started visibly shaking. Ian stood up and hesitated, he resisted his urge to get closer. “Bry whats wrong?”

“Why won’t Tala see me anymore?!” The young man burst out and started sobbing. “What did I do wrong I don’t understand?! Is he disgusted with me?”

Spencer looked at Ian, Ian was wide eyed and it was almost hurting to not be able to reach out and comfort his friend, but it wasn’t a risk he was willing to take. Spencer looked down at his feet awkwardly.

“Why won’t you guys tell me what’s going on?” Bryan begged.

“Bry, you know we would if we knew! All he keeps saying is that he thinks he's not good enough for you, he won’t say anything else, he's pissing us right off too alright?”

“But we’re here for you Bryan, we would never desert you okay?” Spencer chipped in.

“Does he find me disgusting?” Bryan stared at the concrete slabs at his feet, hugging his arms tighter. 

“What? No of course he wouldn’t think that, Talas just being a dickhead, but he’d never think that.” 

“If he did I’d personally kill him.” Ian added. “After how much he’s helped you.” 

“I’m guessing you didn’t go to therapy today?” Spencer asked.  
Bryan was avoiding eye contact and trying not to cry again.   
“No I slept through it again.”

\---

Tala groaned when he heard the front door open noisily as his flatmates returned.

Ian swung open Tala’s bedroom door and threw a book at him.   
“You’re an asshole Valkov.” He spat and walked off.

“Love you too…” Tala muttered, pushing the book off his bed.

After a few minutes Spencer knocked at his door and ignored when he was told to ‘piss off’. He felt the larger man sit on his bed, and the mattress sank. Tala clutched the duvet to wrap it around himself harder.

“I made you some tea with honey.” Spencer said and sat staring at his red head that was being swallowed by his pillow.

“Om’kay.” Tala grumbled.

“Me and Ian saw Bryan tonight. He was pretty upset, he was wearing his mask and gloves again.”

Tala said nothing but shifted his head to face away from his friend. So that was why Ian was feeling ratty he thought.

“So..” he said.  
“So, you know you were really helping him, and now he’s a mess again, he was crying Tala because he misses you. He NEEDS you.” Spencer replied in a gentle tone.

“He’s better off without me and I’m sick of you two guilt tripping me.” he sighed to the wall.

“Tala, why do you keep saying that? What makes you think he’s better off without you when everyone else can see otherwise?”

Tala opened his eyes and stared at the wall, he knew they’d never leave him alone or drop the subject until he gave them a better explanation. He’d rather he spoke to Spencer than to Ian after being hit by a book and being called an asshole for weeks.

The young man turned his head to meet his teammates eyes. “I’d hurt him Spencer.” he whispered.

Spencer glanced at the door to check that Ian wasn’t spying. “What do you mean?”

“I mean... “ He sat up and pushed his covers away. “I mean that if I continued to date him, I’d want to you know…. Take things further. I can’t do that to him Spence.” 

His friend didn’t know what to say so they sat in silence for a long moment.

“I think, you’re already hurting him by not being there for him... “ Spencer replied honestly.

“I know, and trust me I hate myself for it, but if I stayed with him then I’d definitely want to have sex with him or kiss him or do other things to ‘contaminate’ him.” He blushed deeply admitting this.  
“I just can’t do that to him, I can’t hurt him.”

Spencer stared at his hands, finally understanding Talas difficulties and dreading having to explain this to Ian when he calmed down. Then he remembered the state he saw Bryan in a few hours ago.

“I understand… but at least do the right thing and tell him how you feel. That's the least you owe to him after everything you two have been through.” 

Tala nodded at his lap. Spencer got up to leave.   
“Hey Spence?”

“Yeah?” 

“Thanks for the tea man.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final Chapter!

Bryan stared at his phone, he had been watching dumb TV shows to pass the time when he received a text message: “U up?”

This god damn guy had ignored his messages for a month and all he could say was “U up?”?? How could anyone be too lazy to type a full word, he had never felt so excited and angry at the same time.

“Yeah I’m fucking up… can’t sleep because of your dumb ass…” he growled and threw his phone on the coffee table far from where he sat so he didn’t have to keep staring at that stupid message.

Half an hour later his phone started buzzing on the table. He glared at it again, and decided to ignore it until the person gave up, but they didn’t and rang three times. He cursed and got off the sofa seeing that it was in fact Tala ringing.

“Ugh that asshole.” He picked up his mobile and pushed the phone down option. Tala tried two more times but Bryan rejected them both, pretending he cared more about the TV show.   
He enjoyed three minutes of peace before his phone buzzed with a text message.

“I’m sorry Bryan, will you please talk to me?”

The man sighed and put his phone on the sofa, ‘I waited a month for a reply he can wait too’ he thought angrily, and turned his phone off to enjoy the rest of his show in peace.

Two hours later Bryan decided it was time to shower and change out of his PJs, over a year ago he would have showered the minute he got out of bed, he wasn’t sure if this was progress or depression.   
After the shower he decided to turn his phone back on and instantly received more text messages from Tala.

“I really need to talk to you, I won’t ring anymore but please reply”

“Would you prefer I come over?”

“I’m on the bus”

Kuznetsov swore at the last text. ‘Fuck, that’s the last thing I want…’ he thought.  
He fumbled with his phone replying to his message with: “No don’t come over I don’t want to see you.” 

His phone rang seconds later. ‘Ugh… why…’

He gave up fighting and answered the phone, with the intention of telling him to piss off on the next bus home but he couldn’t speak when he heard Talas voice.

“Bryan?! Bryan can you hear me? Bryan?”

The man gulped and answered in a weak voice: “Tala…”

“Bryan, I’m at the bus station now I’ll be there soon”

“No, no please don’t” 

“I just want to talk okay? I’ll be there in five minutes.”  
Bryan put the phone down and sighed. He collapsed on his sofa again, he was so angry with him but his heart was still pounding from hearing his voice, it made him weak. He hunched and hugged himself and started crying.

\----

Bryan walked down to the bench again, his gloves and mask back on and sat down. He saw Tala spot him in the distance and run to meet him.

Both men’s hearts pounded like crazy, Tala stopped running and stood a few metres away from him, neither said anything for a few minutes and stared at each other.

Tala looked almost as bad as he did, red rings around his eyes, his face somehow more pale than usual, it looked like he had lost weight too. Kuznetsov had opened his mouth to comment on his appearance but thought better and closed it again.

“I... “ Tala began weakly, Ian and Spencer had warned him that Bryan had gotten worse, but seeing him hunched over hugging himself, wearing not just his gloves but his face mask again took him back to more than a year ago and his heart ached, he sounded weak on the phone and his eyes looked as if he had insomnia too.

“Sit with me” Bryan said glumly after realising Tala was lost for words.

“Seriously?” Valkov asked. “After everything I’ve done to you, you’d still let me sit near you?”

Bryan stared at the concrete slabs with tired eyes. “Just sit already.”

Tala obeyed and sat next to him making sure to leave him as much distance as possible. Kuznetsov seemed relieved when he sat but said nothing for several painfully long minutes. 

The redhead had been practising what he had wanted to tell him since a few days ago when Spencer had convinced him to open up but now he was sat near him his body had tensed up and he had no idea what to say. His head was swimming, he didn’t want to fuck this up and was feeling the weight of everything he had done to harm him already, it was too much.

Bryan glanced up at him, making brief eye contact before returning his gaze to the ground.   
“Be honest with me… Do I disgust you?” he asked eventually.

“What? No of course you don’t Bryan” Tala stated. “What on earth would make you think tha- oh…”

Bryan hugged his arms tighter, not wanting to reply.

Tala sighed and sat up straight. “Bryan that’s what I came here to talk to you about, I need to be honest with you about how I feel.”

Kuznetsov glanced at Valkovs lap, showing he was interested in hearing what he had to say but too scared to look up with his baby blue eyes to meet his, his heart was still pounding. Hearing the word ‘feel’ made his body want to run back into the safety of his apartment.

Tala continued. “I got scared Bryan, you were doing so well and I was scared that I’d fuck it all up and ruin it…”

“What did I do that scared you” he asked.

“You did nothing Bryan I swear, and you DON’T disgust me, that’s the problem, ugh, the problem is me okay? If you stay with me I’m gonna hurt you…” Tala admitted. “I really am.”

Kuznetsov blinked in confusion, but still couldn’t look up.   
“But you’d never hurt me Tala, you promised me that”

Tala sunk his face into his palms. “Yes. I would.” he insisted. “I already have. I already broke that promise, I’m not good for you okay?” 

Bryan straightened up and tried to make eye contact but the man was hiding his face behind his hands shaking. He pulled down his mask and pinched at his gloves removing one silently, reaching it out to his lover cautiously.

Tala peeked through his fingers, dreading to see the expression on his face after he had admitted his feelings but saw a naked hand hovering in front of him and Bryans beautiful blue eyes, his heart thudded. Valkov sat still like a deer in headlights and watched as fingers gently wiped away his tears.   
“Bryan…” 

“Tala will you promise me something?”

Talas heart was hammering too loudly in his chest and his brain couldn’t think straight, he nodded dumbly, scared to move in case the warm fingertips left his cheeks.

“Will you keep your mouth closed?”

“Wha?”

Bryan sucked in a breath and leaned forward, his lips planted onto Tala’s and his shaky hands tried their best to keep his shocked face still.  
More tears ran down Talas cheeks when Bryan finally let go of a kiss that felt much longer than it was. He inhaled deeply to let his lungs fill with air again worried he would stop breathing from the shock.   
“Bryan?!” he gasped after a moment of just staring at each other, his face bright red.

“Was it disgusting?” Bryan asked, his hands settling on his lovers lap. 

“N-no, no of course not, I’m just in shock, I don’t know what to say.”

“Then don’t say anything.” Kuznetsov replied quietly. He stood up and pushed the passcode to the front door to his apartment building, glancing behind him waiting.

Tala sat gobsmacked until he shook his head and followed him inside.

\----

Tala stood inside Bryan’s apartment blinking and touching his lips. How did this happen? He had his mind made up this morning he was going to admit his feelings to Bryan no matter how hard it was and no matter how long it took, even if it ended in them deciding to never see each other again, and now? Now he was dumbfounded like a schoolgirl swooning over her first kiss. He felt stupid and giddy. He hated it.

Bryan shut the door behind him and removed his gloves, he binned the mask that was around his neck.

Tala slipped a hand through his red hair and snapped back into his senses. “Shit what are we doing Bryan? We can’t do this”

“We already are” Bryan laughed.

“No, no your therapist would want to kill me if he knew I’d been here again. Spencer and Ian would kill me.” 

“Who cares what they think?” He replied dismissively. He had him where he wanted him and that’s all that mattered.

Tala stepped closer than he dared before. “No Bryan listen to me, I really liked that kiss and all but you didn’t let me finish what I wanted to tell you okay?”

Bryan blushed at the distance and reached out to hold his hands, seeking their warmth. Valkov hid his hands behind his back out of his reach but remained so close that Kuznetsov could smell his deodorant. 

“Just pay attention alright, if you kick me out again that’s fine but what I came here to tell you was…”

He resisted the urge to slap the suddenly eager hands away from him. He couldn’t be distracted.

“BRYAN LISTEN TO ME.” He yelled out of frustration, fighting back tears, he was making this so difficult.

Kuznetsov eyes went wide and he took a step back.

“Ugh, I’m sorry for snapping but this is really important okay? 

“Okay...” Bryan stared at his chest.

Tala ran another hand through his hair and sighed before carrying on.   
“Listen, if we continue doing this, like we were before, I mean I was, I mean not like you alright? I’m a horny guy I want sex, I NEED sex, the sight of you naked out of the shower drove my body crazy, it made me run home because I was scared that I was going to fuck you right there, okay? That’s why I didn’t talk to you for weeks okay? I’m gonna hurt you Bryan!”

Bryan watched with wide eyes as Tala choked his words out frantically, he had somehow understood all of it and watched him rub his hands on his face from his heightened emotional state. Part way through tears had started running down his pale cheeks.

“You could never hurt me Tala!” Kuznetsov said loudly. “Never!”

“Yes, yes I would. You have no idea!”

“You couldn’t! You don’t have it in you! I trust you!”

“Well you shouldn’t! I just told I was gonna fuck you Bryan I was gonna FUCK you, do you have any idea how dirty that is? Any idea how dirty you’d feel after that? Huh?!”

“NO!! Stop making excuses!!” 

“Are you listening to me I said I’d make you so dirty you’d cry!”

“NO!!!” Bryan yelled at him his face getting red.

“Yes I would Bryan! I’d rub my hands all over your naked body and I’d lick you all over and I’ll fucking cum all over your pretty face and make you lick it too.” Tala screamed.

Bryan collapsed onto Talas angry chest hitting it with fists and then grasping tightly at the fabric.

“JUST SHUT UP TALA!!”

“And then you know what I’d do to you Bryan?” Tala continued ignoring the assault. “I’ll stick it deep inside you Bryan, I’d fuck you, and that wouldn’t be it I’d fuck you every night, every time I saw you, I’d make you swallow my cum and I’d eat you out!”

Bryan grasped at him so hard the fabric was starting to tear, his body was shaking and he was crying more than Tala was, he wanted Tala to wrap his arms around him tightly but he was refusing to touch him.

“Do you know what eating you out means? It means I’d stick my tongue inside you Bryan do you want that?? I’m a monster do you want me to make you dirty? Because that’s what’s going to fucking happen if you don’t let me go, and you’ll hate me and then you’ll hate yourself because you’ll never feel clean again!”

“YOU’RE NOT THE MONSTER. I AM” Bryan screamed loudly, the fabric ripped in his nails.

“No you’re NOT Bryan, you always thought you were but you’re NOT. and you deserve better. You deserve someone who can resist the urge to make you dirty.”

“I don’t want that!!” Bryan pleaded. “I want you.”

“What do you mean you don’t want that? You don’t want someone who keeps you clean and happy?”

“I’m only happy when you get me dirty Tala” Bryan sobbed loudly, his grip still ripping Talas shirt apart. 

Tala lowered his voice a bit. “I don’t understand…” 

Bryan wrapped his hands around the man’s neck and kissed him again, Tala jolted his head back resisting it for a moment, but decided to let him take it. He was sick of screaming, he didn’t want to traumatise him more than he already had, his cheeks were still flushed from shouting and he felt sick in his stomach thinking of the things he had taunted him with.

Kuznetsovs hands wrapped around his waist hungrily, desperately seeking his warmth and Tala felt deeply ashamed of himself for letting the man get so dependent on him. He thought about how more than a year ago he wouldn’t have even dreamed that he would feel his lips against his and his arms squeezing their chests together. He had really fucked up, he wished Bryan had fallen in love with a better guy. He sobbed openly and wrapped his arms around him.

Bryan sighed happily as he finally felt Talas warm arms wrap around his waist and rub his shoulder and he felt him shake and sob with him. He couldn’t help but smile.

“I love you Tala”

“I love you too Bryan” he sobbed loudly.

\---

The two men sat on the sofa holding warm mugs of tea, together they had gone through half the tissue box and were sat in comfortable silence calming down from their screaming match in the hallway.

“So your mum caught you masturbating before she kicked you out to the streets?”   
Bryan nodded into his tea.

Tala sat staring at his own tea thinking back to when he seen the young teen pulled out naked from showering for three hours, all the times he had asked if he was disgusting, dirty. It was all starting to make sense. 

“But Bryan you can’t know for sure if that was the reason she left you”

The twenty nine year old shook his head. “This is what therapy is for, I just told you so you’d understand…” He took a sip of his camomile tea.

“Well thanks for telling me the truth”

Bryan smiled. “It was the least I could do after you told me yours.”

“I wish I could have known years ago so I could tell you that there’s nothing wrong with masturbating.”

“I know…”  
The grey haired man looked at this half filled cup and added: “and I really do want the same things you do Tala, I’m just as dirty, if not more. It’s just the guilt… but you were so patient with me, I would trust you with anything because I know you would never hurt me..” 

“Bryan…” 

“Yeah?”

“I need to kiss you right now, will you let me?”

“Fuck yeah”


End file.
